What do I want for Christmas? Nothing.

In keeping with the holiday theme...

This holiday season has been a real struggle for me. As I grow older, I am finding more and more that I don't like things.

Things, that is, as a general group.

There are certain things that I love. I like my Mont Blanc fountain pen. It makes me feel like a writer when I use it. I once took it to the eye doctor's office after I was fitted for contacts. With my lenses, my newly restored 20/20 vision picked out the Mont Blanc white tip from his shirt pocket. He was an ink man. I said there was nothing like a fountain pen. Discussion ensued. I don't remember why I brought it in, but his receptionist ended up making a copy of it on her copy machine.

I like my Mrs. Beasley doll. I'm not a big doll fan. I would like nothing more if Barbie, the Bratz, those weird My Scene Dolls with the removable feet, et al would just disappear in one giant poof!, but there's something about Mrs. B. I must have played with her as a kid because her feet are all dirty and her hair is a bit ratty. I look at her and she fires off the neurons associated with my childhood.

I also like guacamole. But I don't know if that's a thing, per say. I also like Pepsi, but the high fructose corn syrup goes right to my behind and, to misquote my friend Jenny (see convienient link on the right), contributes to my "writer's ass."

But I digress. I am struggling with things this holiday season: The fact that I have to buy and receive them is just dampening my chi. I have a basement full of stuff. My daughter has a room full of stuff. There's stuff in piles all over my house. My husband would really like some Surround Sound stuff and some HDTVstuff.

Though I can understand that one. Watching TV in our house is an aerobic activity. When the picture goes out, you have to stomp your feet on the floor or the TV turns into a radio.

Do we really need any more?

I have spent the past three weeks looking for a gift for my in-law's holiday gift exchange. I have been through Boston Store, Target, even forced myself to walk through a Super Wal-Mart and came up empty handed.

Part of this is that I am buying for a wide audience. I don't know who will get my gift. So I have to be purposely all-purpose and generic in my selection. Theoretically, I could also end up with my own gift, though that has never happened. Someone has always taken my gift.

I can think of a myriad of quirky things that I would want: $20 worth of butter. A new snow shovel, one that won't cause my spine to shrivel and shriek in fear. Some wool socks. Sea monkeys would be nice. A bottle of red wine with a cork in it, not a screw top. A gift card to a bookstore (though I would just probably buy a clearance cookbook. I read cookbooks like some people devour Danielle Steele.)

I'm too practical, plus I can't see any of my in-law relatives being pleased with 9 one-pound blocks of butter.

Though, that would probably be better received than the $20 worth of M&Ms that made it into the men's gift exchange last year. Or maybe not.

That's not to say that I don't enjoy things. I like to look at things. But I don't like to have them around my house. I buy things when I need them, not when I want them.

That's a distinction that a lot of people cannot make. Or maybe they don't want to make it. Or, after a lifetime of conditioning to buy, buy, buy, they don't know how to make it.

When I think about it, I have always been the happiest when I haven't had stuff. When we were first married, all we really had were my parents' furniture castoffs, our wedding gifts and a really ugly apartment. I would save up for a week to buy a half-pound of shrimp to make pasta. We'd take walks. We couldn't afford to do much else.

But I look back on that time fondly. With nothing, happiness. It's always been true for me.

I find a delicious joy in throwing out something. I'm the ultimate anti-consumer. Wow, that cookie sheet looks now looks like it was in an A-bomb test. Yee-hah, throw the baby out! I get an unshopping high. My high point of this week was finally using up some ribbon I bought for our wedding decorations nearly 15 years ago. Man, it felt good to throw that spool out after packing and moving it SEVEN times.

I have decided on my gift exchange gift. I didn't buy anything. Instead, I made up a certificate, which I will wrap up in leftover wrapping paper. It says: 'Tis better to give than to receive. I will donate $25 in your honor to the charity of your choice.

I know there will be at least one taker.