Make life easier, please.
Instead of trying to come up with a resolution for the year, I started thinking about what would make life easier. The more I thought about it, the longer my list grew:
1. Make a pair of jeans that end at a comfortable midpoint ... somewhere between my rib cage and public bones would be nice. In my neverending (nearly a year) quest for a decent pair of jeans, I continue to come up empty. I don't find "mom jeans" appealing or comfortable, but I don't feel comfortable walking around with the threat of a whale tail... or worse. And can the silhouette on jeans be any more unattractive than they are now? Between the flare and the low rise, I look short, fat and dumpy. Let's not even discuss the muffin top.
2. Serve me realistic portions of food. Why are we so fat? Why do we look terrible in jeans? Because when we order food in a restaurant, we get enough for three people. I'm not a big eater, but I feel bad about wasting food. And don't feed me bad food, which, as a basic rule of thumb, comes pre-packaged, frozen or requires a can opener to access. I'm a label reader and if it has high-fructose corn syrup in it, I probably won't eat it.
3. Don't make me wait in line for inane things. Kudos to that bastion of slowness and mediocracy, the U.S. Postal Service, for introducing self-serve kiosks. If you could just keep the morons off the machines, we'd be in business. I was in the post office today, and I kid you not, there were 32 people in line for full service and two in line at the kiosk. The same person - with one package - was still punching buttons on the kiosk when I left after going from customer No. 32 to customer No. 1. I waited in line for 15 minutes to buy 20 two-cent stamps. Perhaps I was the moron?
4. Don't guilt me into donating to your cause. I have my pet causes, don't call me and tell me, "I'm not calling to sell you anything..." There's a reason why one of my favorite things to do is to play with telemarketers. They're more entertaining than hamsters.
5. Don't guilt me into buying fundraising things for your children, even if you are related to me. One of the world's greatest columnists, Mike Nichols of the Journal Sentinel, wrote a great column about this. You're only fooling yourself when you bring the fundraising sheets and the token, "Don't feel obligated to buy anything..." Yeah, right. There is a reason why I will never try to sell you anything. I don't want you to return the favor.
6. I really, really hate American pop culture, so don't expect that I'll read/eat/wear it just because everybody else is. Consider me your own personal anti-Oprah. Except when it comes to "Dog the Bounty Hunter." Remember, there's no ice in paradise.
1. Make a pair of jeans that end at a comfortable midpoint ... somewhere between my rib cage and public bones would be nice. In my neverending (nearly a year) quest for a decent pair of jeans, I continue to come up empty. I don't find "mom jeans" appealing or comfortable, but I don't feel comfortable walking around with the threat of a whale tail... or worse. And can the silhouette on jeans be any more unattractive than they are now? Between the flare and the low rise, I look short, fat and dumpy. Let's not even discuss the muffin top.
2. Serve me realistic portions of food. Why are we so fat? Why do we look terrible in jeans? Because when we order food in a restaurant, we get enough for three people. I'm not a big eater, but I feel bad about wasting food. And don't feed me bad food, which, as a basic rule of thumb, comes pre-packaged, frozen or requires a can opener to access. I'm a label reader and if it has high-fructose corn syrup in it, I probably won't eat it.
3. Don't make me wait in line for inane things. Kudos to that bastion of slowness and mediocracy, the U.S. Postal Service, for introducing self-serve kiosks. If you could just keep the morons off the machines, we'd be in business. I was in the post office today, and I kid you not, there were 32 people in line for full service and two in line at the kiosk. The same person - with one package - was still punching buttons on the kiosk when I left after going from customer No. 32 to customer No. 1. I waited in line for 15 minutes to buy 20 two-cent stamps. Perhaps I was the moron?
4. Don't guilt me into donating to your cause. I have my pet causes, don't call me and tell me, "I'm not calling to sell you anything..." There's a reason why one of my favorite things to do is to play with telemarketers. They're more entertaining than hamsters.
5. Don't guilt me into buying fundraising things for your children, even if you are related to me. One of the world's greatest columnists, Mike Nichols of the Journal Sentinel, wrote a great column about this. You're only fooling yourself when you bring the fundraising sheets and the token, "Don't feel obligated to buy anything..." Yeah, right. There is a reason why I will never try to sell you anything. I don't want you to return the favor.
6. I really, really hate American pop culture, so don't expect that I'll read/eat/wear it just because everybody else is. Consider me your own personal anti-Oprah. Except when it comes to "Dog the Bounty Hunter." Remember, there's no ice in paradise.
posted by The Arendts at 7:16 PM
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